The most vile time of year is quickly approaching. Everywhere you look, teddy bears cuddling love hearts stare soullessly and garish decorations line the high street.
Every shop is sugar-coated with tacky jewellery and overpriced chocolates, and it would appear that red and pink are the only colours left on planet Earth…
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! For the sane folk who shy away from clichés and cheesiness, it’s about time you were given your chance to create a not-so romantic holiday of your own.
So for those of us who detest the slushiness and the sentimental bollocks that is Valentine’s Day, we’ve come up with a plan of action! If your boyfriend/girlfriend/cat would much rather have an ironically themed celebration of love, then read on as we explore 5 ways to do just that…
1. Get them a bad-ass present
We’re betting that despite their hatred for the soppy special occasion, your partner would very much like to open a present on Valentine’s Day… Just not a pink teddy bear that says “I wuv woo".
Instead, get them something that really expresses your feelings for them. Here are 6 of our favourites…
If saying ‘I love you’ is a little difficult, why not try a love heart necklace that says ‘Fuck Yeah’ on it, as a way of expressing your emotions towards your SO?
For the boyfriend or girlfriend who gets more love from your mother than yourself. If only Mum knew what they were really like…
A gothic twist on a timeless classic. Barbed wire hearts and black roses – the ultimate in Anti-Valentine’s jewellery!
Cuddle up in front of a horror movie with a cushion that totally gets them thanks to this epic present from Psycho Penguin!
Pizza is the number one, but if you’re lucky enough to find someone better than pizza, they’re a keeper!
If they’re a bit of an Ock from time to time, this cheeky mug has their name written all over it! (You can always play dumb if they take offence, which they won’t.)
2. Make a kick-ass anti-love playlist
As if we weren’t punished enough by this sickly sweet holiday, they go ahead and make it personal by ruining music for everyone. The radio is no longer safe – Boys II Men are on repeat and there’s no end in sight.
So, naturally, it’s time to load up Spotify/Deezer/iTunes, and get cracking on a fantastic playlist filled with angry anthems. Here are some great songs to get you started…
- Pantera – This Love
- Puddle of Mudd – She Hates Me
- A Day To Remember – Better Off This Way
- The Pigeon Detectives – I’m Not Sorry
- Kate Nash – Shit Song
- Alkaline Trio – Stupid Kid
3. Decorate like it’s Halloween
One of the greatest tragedies in life is that we only get one Halloween a year. Therefore, Anti-Valentine’s Day is the perfect excuse to inject a dose of darkness into the everyday!
Instead of pink flowers and rose scented candles, switch ‘em out for skulls and dark décor. As a helping hand, here’s 6 things we’re gonna be using to seduce our darling…
Imagine sitting down for dinner and the table is adorned with these skull candles. Romantic yet creepy. Love iiiiit.
Nothing says “I love you" like a glowing skull…
Invoke some romance amongst the intoxicating aroma of Dragon’s Blood.
Candlelit dinner for two, with red wine in these gothic bad boys? Yes please.
Welcome to Hell. Population: You and me
Perfect for counting down the minutes until this awful holiday ends…
4. Watch a movie or two (that aren’t lovey-dovey)
Swap the typical cheesy flicks for a movie that tells St Valentine where to shove it. Nothing says ‘Be My Valentine’ like a night in with one of these classics…
Nothing like a demonic STI to really get the romance flowing.
People really do some dumb shit for love.
That lift scene, doe….
Is anyone even nice in this film?
My Bloody Valentine (1981)
A horror movie classic that was made for people like us.
5. Ban anything ‘traditionally’ Valentine’s-y
So this one seems pretty obvious in theory, but in practise may prove difficult. If you’re still wanting to get your beloved a gift or even just a card, this may actually turn out to be quite troublesome.
Our top tip is to put a ban on the following:
- Cuddly toys that speak (unless they swear)
- Anything pink
- Anything covered in glitter
- Oversized cards (unless given ironically)
- Red roses (are you in a 90’s rom-com?)
- Rank jewellery (you know, the ones drenched in crystals)